I love when people get upset for no darn reason. I walked by this business looking building. A woman was out there clipping flowers. I asked her very nicely too, excuse me, are you throwin' those flowers out?
Well, yes! (huff) They are dead. (raises a little stem full of brown pedals)
I was looking past her at the pile of bright white and red pedals on the ends of stems that still had life in them. I walked past her while her words stood behind me unacknowledged.
I asked, would it be okay if i took these?
I mean yeah, that's fine. If you want dead flowers. She looked at me like I was crazy. I said thanks, smiled right on.
I bundled them up hoping they would last. I planned on sittin' in the park all day diving in to another Stephen King novel. A little obsession of mine. I fear little girls with blue eyes at the moment.
No not really I love kids. They make me happy. I was sitting on a little bench at the park enjoying my Sunday afternoon. It was a nice day today. A little chilly. I wish I had brought my sweater. I decided to head back home. Dreading the list of chores I had waiting for me on the kitchen table.
There I was walking up Cross St. That street has always been good to me. Nice little route. Leads down town, and up to the local coffee shop. And then it turns right up to my front door. I left a trail of brown pedals and stems along the way. They probably blew away behind me. When I got up to my front door, I was so proud to have salvaged a lively bundle of red and white flowers that remained on the ill stems.
The empty marinara jar served as a perfect size vase for my little bundle of flowers. I was content to have something alive, or once alive, up in my attic apartment. Sat real nicely up on my kitchen window sill. I think they are happy I saved them and invited them to live in that jar a few days longer. A little paradise for them. Am I selfish? I just needed a little company up here.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The challenges in life
The bastards can be pretty damn cruel. My cousin flew in from Louisiana last night. My mother and I were very nervous to see him and I was very unsure on how to respond to his condition. He drove sixteen hours to El Paso, Texas and then took a plane out to California. Exhausted, but restless and preoccupied with the message he was going to receive. We were to transport him to the Children's Hospital in Orange County where his beautiful daughter, seven year old Isabella would be. I could see the anxiety and pain in his eyes as I sadly attempting to strike up conversation. Jab the Jab. Successful, for only a few moments.
Isabella was diagnosed with Bacterial Meningitis. A bastard of an illness. My cousin had been separated from Bella and his two younger boys for about six months. He was now returning due to awful circumstances. We arrive to the hospital, go up six floors, each floor my cousin's breathing getting heavier and heavier. Fighting back tears. Looking anywhere, but at us.
We enter the room and there she is. Helpless. Machines buzzing, ticking, beeping. Artie rushes to her side. Demanding for her to wake up. Such a difficult thing to watch. He's crying. First time I've seen him in this condition. A wreck. Bella, get up mama. Come on. Let's go, he says. Beep, beep, beep. The nurse walks in. Very kind. Greets us and introduces herself. My cousin does his best to seem calm and collected as he wipes away the tears. She tells us she is only checking her temperature and tells us the doctor would be in shortly to explain all the machines and Bella's condition. She eventually begins to describe each one briefly.
Soon after the doctor comes in, she lays it all out. Describes how it is that Bella came into the hospital's care. Artie breaks down. She tells him Bella will not ever be the same if she wakes up from this coma. She is heavily medicated. Unable to breath on her own. Has a tube inserted in her head. Tubes and I.V.'s running in and out of her body. Helpless. just lying there. Eyes closed. Still. She has had a series of seizures. The girl has been through so much at only seven years of age. The doctor makes her last remark clear and repeats it quite a few times. Her condition is very critical, the likeliness of her coming out of this is very low. Even if she does, she will be severely disabled and at a severe vegetative state. My cousin, head down, tears running. No response.
She walks out. We are left to watch my cousin crumble. It's as if all the glass windows were shattering around us, the building was collapsing. Darkness. He wanted out. My mother and I jump to his side. You gotta' stay strong Artie, you gotta stay strong. For your little girl and your boys Artie, my mom tells him. Artie only able to let out gasps of air. My father walks him down the hall. My mother and I rush to 'Bella's side. You gotta wake up mija, you gotta wake up for your daddy Bella, my mom says. Isabella, beat the odds chiquita, prove them wrong. A little progress each day baby, I say.
Today my cousin, my mother, and I are scheduled to meet with Social Services. My cousin reunited with his boys after speaking with the social worker privately. Anxiety is high for him, he knows his ex, the mother of his children, and her family will be here shortly. This meeting is to discuss the safety issue and lack of parental stability for cousin's children. My mother and I were there in support of my cousin and to request custody of the children.
This meeting was quite the disaster. The information about this case was so complex. Drug use around the children, severely hospitalized child, violence among the parents, mental instability, conflict. The children stuck in the middle of all this complexity. Anger, stress, sadness all filled the room. The meeting lasted a little over two hours. Only to conclude that there was lots and lots of family support, tons of people who needed to be finger printed (which was a three day process) to see if they were clear to look after the children, the parents were unfit to take care of the children, the children would be in foster care for three days, and the custody of the children would be determined on Friday at the court hearing.
Decisions are made, consequences are faced. Things fall into place because of the experiences that lead up to them. Looking back, you see this. But in the moment, its all a blur. All you really see is red. There is panic, what determines the future is whether you can take action to make improvements. The damage has already occurred, we only can attempt to improve it by our present behavior and the decisions we make.
Its not always rainbows and sunshine.
Isabella was diagnosed with Bacterial Meningitis. A bastard of an illness. My cousin had been separated from Bella and his two younger boys for about six months. He was now returning due to awful circumstances. We arrive to the hospital, go up six floors, each floor my cousin's breathing getting heavier and heavier. Fighting back tears. Looking anywhere, but at us.
We enter the room and there she is. Helpless. Machines buzzing, ticking, beeping. Artie rushes to her side. Demanding for her to wake up. Such a difficult thing to watch. He's crying. First time I've seen him in this condition. A wreck. Bella, get up mama. Come on. Let's go, he says. Beep, beep, beep. The nurse walks in. Very kind. Greets us and introduces herself. My cousin does his best to seem calm and collected as he wipes away the tears. She tells us she is only checking her temperature and tells us the doctor would be in shortly to explain all the machines and Bella's condition. She eventually begins to describe each one briefly.
Soon after the doctor comes in, she lays it all out. Describes how it is that Bella came into the hospital's care. Artie breaks down. She tells him Bella will not ever be the same if she wakes up from this coma. She is heavily medicated. Unable to breath on her own. Has a tube inserted in her head. Tubes and I.V.'s running in and out of her body. Helpless. just lying there. Eyes closed. Still. She has had a series of seizures. The girl has been through so much at only seven years of age. The doctor makes her last remark clear and repeats it quite a few times. Her condition is very critical, the likeliness of her coming out of this is very low. Even if she does, she will be severely disabled and at a severe vegetative state. My cousin, head down, tears running. No response.
She walks out. We are left to watch my cousin crumble. It's as if all the glass windows were shattering around us, the building was collapsing. Darkness. He wanted out. My mother and I jump to his side. You gotta' stay strong Artie, you gotta stay strong. For your little girl and your boys Artie, my mom tells him. Artie only able to let out gasps of air. My father walks him down the hall. My mother and I rush to 'Bella's side. You gotta wake up mija, you gotta wake up for your daddy Bella, my mom says. Isabella, beat the odds chiquita, prove them wrong. A little progress each day baby, I say.
Today my cousin, my mother, and I are scheduled to meet with Social Services. My cousin reunited with his boys after speaking with the social worker privately. Anxiety is high for him, he knows his ex, the mother of his children, and her family will be here shortly. This meeting is to discuss the safety issue and lack of parental stability for cousin's children. My mother and I were there in support of my cousin and to request custody of the children.
This meeting was quite the disaster. The information about this case was so complex. Drug use around the children, severely hospitalized child, violence among the parents, mental instability, conflict. The children stuck in the middle of all this complexity. Anger, stress, sadness all filled the room. The meeting lasted a little over two hours. Only to conclude that there was lots and lots of family support, tons of people who needed to be finger printed (which was a three day process) to see if they were clear to look after the children, the parents were unfit to take care of the children, the children would be in foster care for three days, and the custody of the children would be determined on Friday at the court hearing.
Decisions are made, consequences are faced. Things fall into place because of the experiences that lead up to them. Looking back, you see this. But in the moment, its all a blur. All you really see is red. There is panic, what determines the future is whether you can take action to make improvements. The damage has already occurred, we only can attempt to improve it by our present behavior and the decisions we make.
Its not always rainbows and sunshine.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Yesterday's worries creeped into my dreams
Two nights back I was crowned the Queen of Love. Really I was. You didn't see it in the paper? Well I was. The ceremony was a fast one. My lovely brown eyed beauty cousins were running back in forth from what appeared to be designated as the study room for them by my aunt and uncle. See I was drawing and coloring with them. All they wanted to draw were princess and castle sort of themes. One thing led to another and they were all drawing and cutting out my crown and accessories for the evening. My lovely cousin who I haven't seen a very long time noticed I wandered off to the living room to read Hocus Pocus for a bit. She runs up, lays a paper against my forehead and says Looks like it fits, can you see? I say yes to play along, not knowing what was going on. She comes out a few moments later placing the same paper on my head and saying There, your the Queen of Love! I hope I meet their expectations with this title.
So you see, more reason for you all to follow me! I have a title. During my stay, I noticed a few characters I was not familiar with who were sort of in the back ground during this lovely family gathering. One was an old man who would walk in and out of the kitchen every now and then. Not speaking to any one. Kept to the kitchen and his room. I asked my uncle who he was. He struggled to tell me. I assisted aggressively. As I usually do. He says Oh he is Mari's (Mari is my aunt) family, kind of. I say Oh really, her father? He says no, well kind of. He goes on to tell me that my aunt's cousin was recently deported and their family was forced to leave their home. I was appalled. I said well that's great of you to help them out. He says of course, we are brown, it is the right thing to do. The terrible things that are happening to our people, we must help eachother during these times. I smiled and looked over at the old man. His old tired skin and bones would stay in my mind.
And then last night, we had my other aunt and uncle over. So great to see my family getting together often. I enjoy my younger cousins. I mean they have sprouted so much. I am that ridiculous person who says Oh my gosh, how you've grown Ricky! Or I can't believe how grown up you've become Steven. But it's true. Most of the time I remember some one as I last saw them, and then when I see them I forget time passes by or something and behave as if I am in an episode of the twilight zone or something. It's sort of ridiculous, it really is. Well, my point... Yes, they brought over an elderly woman named Annie. She is my aunt's (Who is my Mother's sister) mother in law. I had not seen her in a very long time. She appears to be shrinking now. Her hair looked straightened, her skin spotted and with a strange texture. Reptile like, but soft barely sticking to her bones. She would stare at you for a minute with her blueish gray eyes. All glazed over. No expression. Then suddenly she would smile, and say Hey, how are you? I missed you. Smiling. Just smiling stupidly. Then she would wander off and do the same thing to every one else. All cautious to her next move. My aunt and uncle smiling awkwardly. Panicking any moment she walked down a step. My aunt saying under her breath Ay dios mio. Oh Annie. Worried she would trip over her own feet and fall. So frail and tired.
Later in the evening she was asking my aunt and uncle what time they would be leaving because she was tired. My aunt treated her like a child. Soon Annie, go sit back down right on that couch. She was so dependent on them. Unable to make her own decisions. Unable to truly know what she wanted, or unable to do as she wanted really. She was just tired.
I am damn well afraid to get to this point. Where you are silenced and forced to abide by others. Reverting backwards. You can't just get up and go. You must ask those who are caring for you what is best. Which usually what is best for them. What a scary thing.
Sigh. And then you die.
So you see, more reason for you all to follow me! I have a title. During my stay, I noticed a few characters I was not familiar with who were sort of in the back ground during this lovely family gathering. One was an old man who would walk in and out of the kitchen every now and then. Not speaking to any one. Kept to the kitchen and his room. I asked my uncle who he was. He struggled to tell me. I assisted aggressively. As I usually do. He says Oh he is Mari's (Mari is my aunt) family, kind of. I say Oh really, her father? He says no, well kind of. He goes on to tell me that my aunt's cousin was recently deported and their family was forced to leave their home. I was appalled. I said well that's great of you to help them out. He says of course, we are brown, it is the right thing to do. The terrible things that are happening to our people, we must help eachother during these times. I smiled and looked over at the old man. His old tired skin and bones would stay in my mind.
And then last night, we had my other aunt and uncle over. So great to see my family getting together often. I enjoy my younger cousins. I mean they have sprouted so much. I am that ridiculous person who says Oh my gosh, how you've grown Ricky! Or I can't believe how grown up you've become Steven. But it's true. Most of the time I remember some one as I last saw them, and then when I see them I forget time passes by or something and behave as if I am in an episode of the twilight zone or something. It's sort of ridiculous, it really is. Well, my point... Yes, they brought over an elderly woman named Annie. She is my aunt's (Who is my Mother's sister) mother in law. I had not seen her in a very long time. She appears to be shrinking now. Her hair looked straightened, her skin spotted and with a strange texture. Reptile like, but soft barely sticking to her bones. She would stare at you for a minute with her blueish gray eyes. All glazed over. No expression. Then suddenly she would smile, and say Hey, how are you? I missed you. Smiling. Just smiling stupidly. Then she would wander off and do the same thing to every one else. All cautious to her next move. My aunt and uncle smiling awkwardly. Panicking any moment she walked down a step. My aunt saying under her breath Ay dios mio. Oh Annie. Worried she would trip over her own feet and fall. So frail and tired.
Later in the evening she was asking my aunt and uncle what time they would be leaving because she was tired. My aunt treated her like a child. Soon Annie, go sit back down right on that couch. She was so dependent on them. Unable to make her own decisions. Unable to truly know what she wanted, or unable to do as she wanted really. She was just tired.
I am damn well afraid to get to this point. Where you are silenced and forced to abide by others. Reverting backwards. You can't just get up and go. You must ask those who are caring for you what is best. Which usually what is best for them. What a scary thing.
Sigh. And then you die.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I'VE OFFICIALLY ENTERED THE BLOGGING WORLD... BAHHHH
What to write, what to write... Well, I guess I should open up and invite you all in. AWKWARD... If your actually paying attention. Starting a blog seemed to be another way to boost one's self esteem for awhile. A way for people to make themselves feel a little more exquisite. I thought wow, blogging.... SO HIP. Yes, I said it. But then I thought well I am an active audience of these things, why not contribute say my little hello to the world.
So here I am. Hello? I am rather nervous you know? How will people perceive me. How cruel are the critics.... EEK. But then I said to myself Listen here you look like a chump, you're actin' like a chump, CHUMP! And then I said back to myself, I oughta'.... Whoa. Must be lookin' pretty coo-coo to you all...
Let me get back on track... Oh, yes. I decided I would not let my fears of not being as great as everyone stop me like it did in high school, when I decided not to try out for drama club in because they all were so good! I walked out of the department's hall with my eyes to the ground so that no one could see the tears and snot running down my face. A wreck, but a moment that will never be forgotten.
What a missed opportunity.
I will be just as upfront and true here as I am in my real life. I find myself to be a interesting person, and I think that this will be great for me. I guess I have to thank you for allowing me this opportunity, and will try my best to provide you with GRADE A bloggin'.
So here I am. Hello? I am rather nervous you know? How will people perceive me. How cruel are the critics.... EEK. But then I said to myself Listen here you look like a chump, you're actin' like a chump, CHUMP! And then I said back to myself, I oughta'.... Whoa. Must be lookin' pretty coo-coo to you all...
Let me get back on track... Oh, yes. I decided I would not let my fears of not being as great as everyone stop me like it did in high school, when I decided not to try out for drama club in because they all were so good! I walked out of the department's hall with my eyes to the ground so that no one could see the tears and snot running down my face. A wreck, but a moment that will never be forgotten.
What a missed opportunity.
I will be just as upfront and true here as I am in my real life. I find myself to be a interesting person, and I think that this will be great for me. I guess I have to thank you for allowing me this opportunity, and will try my best to provide you with GRADE A bloggin'.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)